The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You're like the curious george of whores
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Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
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It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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