I'm so fucking centered right now
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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