I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Even my vagina gasped.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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