I met the friendliest cop last night
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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