dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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