Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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