Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Come share oat with me in your robe
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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