Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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