Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
