So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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