Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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