thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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