dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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