So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
