i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
