my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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