I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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