I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
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I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
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You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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