Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
