dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
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She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
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It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
At least life still wants to fuck me.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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