I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
