anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
