My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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