Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
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"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
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I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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