Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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