i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Randomize
