yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
