Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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