I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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