Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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