he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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