I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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