i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
