I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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