Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
