I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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