do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
