His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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