You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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