just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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