My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
