Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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