i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
