oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
