found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
