peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
