so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
