im about as happy as oj after his trial
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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