I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
