I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i was born a porn star she said
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
PS: I just woke up from my shower
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
