totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
