I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
