Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
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I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
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I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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