I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
