Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
