John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
3pm strippers are depressing
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
