hotel room ftw
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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