Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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