Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
