loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
