I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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