I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
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I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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